I’m far from perfect, as I’ve already admitted. I’ve made mistakes and have been hard on myself because of them. One of the things I’ve struggled with on my healing journey is learning to trust myself. I tend to second guess my decisions and I’ve struggled with wondering if I’ve made the right choice or thinking that I need someone else’s opinion to make a decision. I never learned to look deep down into myself to question what do I really want? What is best for me?
I think as women we are conditioned to think of others first. If we make a decision that best suits our needs we think we are being selfish. We need to debunk that thought and understand that taking care of ourselves and our needs is the most important thing we can do.
I believe now that I know what is best for myself deep down. However, I’m still having a hard time with people pleasing. I still have fear of people not approving of my decisions even if I think it’s best for me. I still seek other’s approval. I also think maybe I’ll regret my decision and disappoint others.
One thing I’ve learned is denying my feelings will not make them go away. Allowing myself to feel the feelings and telling myself I’m allowed to feel that way is reassuring. Acknowledging the good and bad feelings will help build self-trust. Just recently, I had feelings of shame and resentment that were eating at me for the longest time. I finally exploded one day and got everything off my chest and I felt like a weight had been taken off my shoulders.
Once I addressed the feelings I was trying to stuff deep down, I was able to figure out where they were coming from. Was there something these feelings were trying to tell me? Of course they were telling me something but I needed to dig deeper to find it.
I found that I was not setting clear boundaries in my relationships. Without boundaries, people will walk all over you. That was me, I was a doormat. As a people pleaser I wasn’t able to tell people no, or voice my opinion when I disagreed, and I was conflict avoidant. I found that by not setting clear boundaries I was setting myself up for resentment, overwhelm, and anger. One day these feelings would all boil over.
When a boundary is crossed it’s time to have that hard conversation with that person about the consequences of not respecting that boundary. Establishing clear boundaries and deciding on the consequences when they’re crossed demonstrates self-trust and self-respect.
I was asked by my therapist What do you need to feel healthy, happy and accomplished? I thought really hard about this and thought about the things that made me smile, laugh, feel proud, and feel safe. I found what I really needed was respect, understanding, space to myself, and to feel that my needs are heard. Too often I have felt that I have not been listened to or my needs are not important.
Similarly I needed to identify my strengths. I noticed that one thing I do well is I stick to my goals and I do whatever it takes to accomplish them. For example I knew I wanted to stop drinking alcohol because it didn’t serve my life anymore so I stopped and I stuck with it. The more I set goals for myself and stuck with them, the more I could depend on myself and trust myself.
Likewise, I found it was necessary for me to identify my core values. Being at peace is a big one for me. I get overwhelmed easily so remaining in a state of calm and peace is something I need to make me feel safe and happy. Respect is another important core value. I am a firm believer in treating people the way you want to be treated. Accountability is another key component of my core values, rooted in the understanding that people are responsible for their own actions and decisions.
I’m highly self-aware and fully recognize both my strengths and weaknesses. I take responsibility for my shortcomings and mistakes. Right now, I’m focused on building self-trust, knowing I can achieve this through setting healthy boundaries and practicing positive self-talk. I’m a work in progress, perfectly imperfect, and I will keep moving forward to become the strong woman I aspire to be.